I've had RA for six years now, fibromyalgia for nearly as long and I still haven't accepted it....I want to, I desperately want to because I know acceptance will bring with it a new chapter of my life, not the life I thought I'd have but a new life that can still be beautiful. So why can't I accept this illness? I think that answer to that is because it is not static, it is up and down, ever changing and on my up days I get glimpses of the person I used to be and on my best up days I feel like that person and the bad days are quickly forgotten, almost as if I believe the worst is over and I am back to who I was. Part of me also feels like I can just push through it, I've pushed through every bad thing in my life, forged on and plowed right through it, that is until RA came along. It's not something that you can plow through, if you try you end up worse off but my mind still thinks I can and it feels like accepting=giving in. Mentally, intellectually I know that isn't true but my heart can't quite accept it.
I was the one that always had a super clean house, I had a cleaning schedule in fact lol, I made all my food from scratch, no artificial anything, people loved coming to my house because they knew they were going to have some delicious food to eat. Now I sit here, the room is a wreck, the dogs decided to throw a party during the night and there are shreds of dog food bag every where, my husband is sick and his dirty dishes are stacked high and I have just put the laundry to wash again because it didn't get put into the dryer in time. Here I sit on the couch, looking around at the wreck that is around me and I'm too tired to do anything about it. My upstairs living room looks like a clothes store exploded in it because I gathered all of the clean laundry as well as all of the clothing from my daughters room to go through to see what fit, what didn't and what we could donate....I lost steam in the middle of the project and there it sits.....Ugh, I was the girl who went to college full time and worked three part time jobs all at once and didn't get tired! I worked out 5 to 6 times a week and was a pretzel when it came to yoga, yet here I sit, overweight and unable to walk up the stairs without being winded. I feel like I have been robbed of my life and I'm mad as hell. But being mad as hell isn't going to get me my life back, it is going to rob me of the life I have ahead of me.
So now I must learn to let go of my dreams and build new ones, let go of the life I knew and walk into the unknown life I will now live....I just don't know how.
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