Disabled....

Yesterday was the first day that I truly felt disabled. Yes I've felt crappy and sick, in pain and terrible for years but in my mind I was just sick, I had a sickness, but disabled? If I said that I felt like a fraud, I mean I had days when I was able to clean my house, walk around the mall, work, garden and even lay a floor, okay it was a snap together tile floor but I still did it! Yes I was achy after those things but I would bounce back. There were other times that walking to the car had me ready for a nap and I would just lay there in pain, crying, wanting to say "help me" but knowing there was nothing to be done but I always bounced back, always. It's always been a roller coaster, good times and bad times but never once did I think of myself as disabled. I thought of disabled people as people on oxygen tanks or in wheel chairs, people who had conditions that always kept them sort of static, you know, they still have up and down days but their up days were still drastically different from "normal" people, if someone saw them on their good day they would still be able to stay they were disabled. This is just not the case for me, on my good days no one would ever take me for disabled, heck , even on some of my bad days, unless I were using my cane people would take me for normal and when I do use my cane I catch strangers looking and probably wondering why I even need it.....

But not yesterday, nope, yesterday I definitely felt disabled. I went to my primary care doctor because my rheumatologist was out of town. I have to say I adore my primary care doctor, she knows me well, takes me seriously, listens to what I have to say and cares about all aspects of my life not just my physical health. When she saw me and then I explained to her how badly I had been feeling she said to me "You've been going downhill in your health since you started working again", I couldn't argue, physically that was true but mentally I had never been better, I found myself again through working, I wasn't just mommy or someone's wife, I was Jenny, I was confident and competent and had goals again. Working brought me out of my depression and gave me a new purpose in life...which was about to come to a halt with the next words out of my doctor's mouth. "I want you out of work for two weeks and then when you go back, if you go back (of course I'm going back!!) you can work two eight hour shifts a week maximum." I left the appointment with my note for work and my signed handicapped permit application for my car....I felt limited and it's true I am. But before it was setting my limits (which turned out oh so well because I worked until I made myself sick) but now to have a medical professional telling me limits.....its just different. I guess before I could play it off as me being overly dramatic or wimpy, so I would press on....and now, I have someone saying to me, no, you really can't do this.

Yes, definitely felt disabled yesterday....