Do you ever feel like a fraud? I do, all of the time, I feel like somehow I should just be able to push past this, power through it and be fine. I still find myself trying to keep up with other people and then when I can't and end up on the couch because I crashed I feel like I'm just lazy.
I feel like a fraud using my handicap permit, even though I can barely make it into the store from my car without feeling like I'm going to pass out, I look fine. Looking completely normal I get onto the motorized wheelchair and do my shopping, I see the looks, I'm sure they are more wondering then judgement, at least I hope so....at the end of my trip, though I haven't walked and my husband and daughter have put all of the items in my cart and in the car I leave the store feeling completely and totally wiped out....but still I feel like I should be able to push through. Like somehow I have talked myself into having these diseases...maybe its just that I can't believe that this is my life...
I feel that way all the time!! And my husband tries to understand my disease but can't and he gets so frustrated with me for not being able to do things that it just compounds my feelings of guilt!! I hate this disease and I try so hard to keep pushing!! But it always ends the same.. With me on my butt wishing I had slowed down just a little. But dadgummit I ran every day in a max security prison 4 flights of steel steps 4 solid concrete runs handled at minimum 200 male inmates at a time and absolutely lived my career!!! Why can't I do even the small stuff now. Granted I all but crawled out of there every day and cried the whole way home from pain but the thing is I did it!! Why has this monster changed my life so much??
ReplyDeleteI feel that way all the time!! And my husband tries to understand my disease but can't and he gets so frustrated with me for not being able to do things that it just compounds my feelings of guilt!! I hate this disease and I try so hard to keep pushing!! But it always ends the same.. With me on my butt wishing I had slowed down just a little. But dadgummit I ran every day in a max security prison 4 flights of steel steps 4 solid concrete runs handled at minimum 200 male inmates at a time and absolutely lived my career!!! Why can't I do even the small stuff now. Granted I all but crawled out of there every day and cried the whole way home from pain but the thing is I did it!! Why has this monster changed my life so much??
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